The last two installments of How to Talk so Kids will Listen covered Helping Kids Deal With Their Feelings and How to Engage Cooperation. Both are in the realm of the preemptive.

But what happens when you’ve tried all that and your kid still grabs a handful of dirt from the house plant, throws some of it in his sister’s painting while making sure to leave just enough to feed to the baby (don’t worry, turns out a bit of dirt is good for them)? Engage the magnetic force field to keep them away from the plant? (“Alexa, engage magnetic forcefield.”) Take away dessert forever? Revoke all current and future Disney privileges? Rage eating at a level typically reserved for professional competitions?

Faber and Mazlish land firmly on the side of no to all of the above and firmly no on punishment, opting instead for some concrete alternatives (no, not that concrete) below.

But before we get there, I found their definition of discipline supremely helpful: Discipline means education. Discipline is programmed guidance that helps develop internal self-control, self-direction, and efficiency.

The authors point out that study after study shows that punishment is counterproductive; it teaches kids that violence and aggression are acceptable. Instead of feeling sorry for what he’s done, making amends, and realizing how to do better later, the child is in pain and marinates in revenge fantasies (and not the good -- some dare say sexy -- Liam Neeson kind). Punishment deprives him of the opportunity to learn from his misbehavior.

While the authors are against punishment, they are pro-consequence. What’s the difference, you ask? Punishment is deliberately depriving a child or inflicting pain. Consequences are a natural result of the child’s behavior. Actions have consequences. The consequence of writing on the wall in crayon is having to clean it up and a break from crayons for a while. The consequence of choosing the movie Boss Baby is having to sit through the movie Boss Baby.

Rather than Punishment Try One or More of These Strategies:

• Point out a way to be helpful: Instead of, “Get off the couch right now!” try, “It would be helpful if you stopped jumping on the couch and sat down for dinner.”
• Express strong disapproval w/out attacking character: Instead of, “You’re such a mess, you always ruin my clothes with your spaghetti hands.” Try, “It is very frustrating to me when my clothes get stained.”
• State expectations: Instead of, “Do not bite your brother!” Try, “I expect everyone in this family to protect the safety of each other.”
• Show the child how to make amends: “You will need to clean up the sun screen that you’ve decided to finger paint with.”
• Ask the child to consider acceptable behavior the next time they’re confronted with the scenario: “Next time, what could you do when you feel angry?”
• Offer a choice: “You can either share with your brother or find another toy to play with.”
• Take action: remove the child from a dangerous situation.
• Allow the child to experience consequences of his behavior: If she keeps using the stick as a spear, she’s no longer allowed to bring sticks to story time.

Faber and Mazlish also highlight their structure for resolving challenging conflicts (same tactics used in international peace treaties and marriage counseling. Hey, if it’s good enough for The Hague, it’s good enough for me):

1. Talk about the child’s feelings and needs
2. Talk about your feelings and needs
3. Brainstorm a list of possible solutions; write down all ideas w/out evaluating
4. Eliminate ideas that don’t work for both people

I loved this quote from the book:

“We have to stop thinking of the child as a problem that needs correction. We have to give up the idea that because we’re adults, we always have the right answer. We have to stop worrying that if we’re not tough enough, the child will take advantage of us…There is an important message built into this approach, it says, when there is conflict between us, we no longer have to mobilize our forces against each other and worry about who will emerge victorious and who will go down in defeat. Instead we can put our energy into searching for the kinds of solutions that respect both our needs as individuals.”

Go ahead and re-read this ^ and replace “child” with “partner,” “co-worker,” “person.” 😊. I’m putting it on a throw pillow – who’s in for the Kickstarter?

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